Tips for a Smoke-Filled Festivus

We at Christian Cigar Smoker love Christmas, and we certainly do not hate “all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas,” so we gladly take advantage of any reason to get together and smoke cigars. We’re not making up any new holidays but taking advantage of a more contemporary holiday to give us a reason to light up our premium hand-rolled cigars: Festivus.  

I’m El Jefe, and I’m here to help you. Celebrate Festivus correctly this year. I will show you how to do so because I have hosted not one but two Festivus cigar events! That makes me an expert. I will not take this time to explain the history or meaning behind the Festivus Holiday. Instead, you can watch season nine, episode ten of Seinfeld, The Strike (Why wasn’t the episode called “Festivus”?  Really, Jerry and Larry?). 

Tips for The Airing of Grievances

Got a lot of problems with you people? The cigar lounge is the perfect place to properly air one’s grievances with your friends, family, and peers while letting them know how much they have disappointed you during the past year.  

So as not to overdo it or overly offend someone, make sure you have smoked at least one cigar before the Airing of Grievances. This practice will give you time for quiet reflection and a sense of calm before you let loose. It will also help you “speak the truth in love” and adequately convey your grievances. In doing so, you will be able to convey your complaints properly. It will also help you avoid the Frank Constanza error of losing your train of thought.  

Cigar and Meatloaf Pairing Tips

If you celebrate Festivus with the traditional meatloaf on a bed of lettuce, make sure you properly pair your cigar to maximize your experience. I suggest a medium-bodied cigar before the meal. 

Throughout the festivity, and while eating your meatloaf, I suggest smoking 3-4 cigars, consisting of a Connecticut, Corojo, Habano, or a Maduro wrapper. Choose a size ranging from a petite corona to a double corona.  

If you’re breaking tradition and not eating meatloaf, I suggest smoking 3-4 cigars, consisting of a Connecticut, Corojo, Habano, or a Maduro wrapper. Choose a size ranging from a petite corona to a double corona.    

Tips for the Feats of Strength

If you are honored with participating in the tradition of the Feats of Strength, practice common courtesy by putting down your cigar before competing. We’re not barbarians; we’re cigar smokers!

Limited room at the cigar lounge? If there is no room to wrestle at your lounge, or you’re practicing social distancing, you can substitute the activity with another. Our Festivus celebration in 2019 featured a father/son thumb wrestling match. You can also arm wrestle or have a staring contest. 

Safety Tips

Don’t allow your Festivus celebration to end in injury. Sometimes we get carried away overeating meatloaf or getting worked up when airing grievances. Don’t get too full on meatloaf. Don’t forget to not inhale your cigar. Arrive safely and leave safely. If need be, designate a driver. 

Indeed, you need to avoid Festivus pole accidents. Every year, nearly three people sustain injuries related to improper Festivus pole installation. Since the inception of Festivus, over ten people have sustained ankle and knee injuries from sliding down Festivus poles; it is not a firehouse pole. Don’t become another statistic! Remember also that the Festivus pole should be constructed of aluminum, which has a very high strength-to-weight ratio. 

If participating in the Feats of Strength, always remember that even if we’re not living in the time of a pandemic, it is always best practice to wear a mask. Wash your hands both before and after the Feats. 

Tips for Celebrating the True Spirit of Festivus

There is a time for every season under heaven—a time for airing grievances and a time for practicing kindness. Therefore, in the spirit of Festivus, let us not only tell others how much they have disappointed us but let them know how they may, at times, lack being so horrible.  

Go easier on others. For just one day out of the year, when you are smoking your premium handmade cigars, don’t poke fun at those who smoke machine-made or infused cigars. Set aside your differences as you smoke with the lowly and uninformed.  

Don’t ridicule those who sniff the cigar through the cellophane. Don’t let out a loud sigh of disgust when someone uses a bullet cut on a torpedo cigar. Don’t lie to the new cigar smoker, telling him that it is customary to inhale cigars on Festivus.  

Also, to maximize your Festivus Cigar Smoking Event, invite your friends to form a circle around the Festivus Pole and sing a carol. I wrote a new song to the tune of Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, entitled Smokin’ Around the Festivus Pole, which can be viewed here.  

Enjoy your smoke-filled Festivus this year!

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